5th Step Expectations: finding the exact nature of our wrongs.

26 Aug 5th Step Expectations: finding the exact nature of our wrongs.

Removing the fear of the 5th Step – by breaking it down into bite size pieces.

In Step 4, we learn that as human beings go, we were not that great or that bad. Not at the top of the heap or the bottom of the dung pile, but just another flawed human being trying to survive. Here we learn that life didn’t just happen to us – we made decisions and took actions based on a skill set that may have been damaged by addiction.

As we move on to Step 5, hesitation sets in…

Step 5: We admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Alcoholics Anonymous

“You’re as sick as your secrets.” That is what we are told when we first come into a recovery program. If we are to live a life of integrity, we must bring those secrets into the light. Step 5 takes the power out of our shameful, painful, or even criminal behaviors by bringing them out into the open. Sharing our story with a trusted advisor, Spiritual guide, or a 12-Step sponsor, can help us identify patterns of behavior and character defects that have led to unwanted behaviors.

The 12-Steps are in a specific order because each successive step builds on the foundation created by the step before it, the process outlined in step 5 is in a specific order as well. There is a reason that the first admission of wrongs is to God as we understand God. It lays the foundation which will eliminate the fear of becoming honest with ourselves.

We admitted to…God.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a sponsee exclaim, “Admit it to God? Doesn’t God already know everything?” The argument here is not about what God does or doesn’t know, it’s that we are willing to tell it all to a Higher Power. If you have a belief in God, please go ahead and find a way to share with God in a way that feels right for you. You may want to share it with a priest or minister, spiritual adviser, or on a spiritual retreat.

But, I don’t believe in God…

If you don’t believe in God and are using the program as your Higher Power, the act of sharing the contents of your 4th Step with a deceased grandparent or loved one. I did just that; I gathered a picture of my grandmother along with a few mementos of her and set them out on my kitchen table. Then, I sat down and I read my 4th Step out loud as if I were talking directly to her. You could find a peaceful place in nature and read your Step 4 out loud. This part of the 5th Step is about finding the integrity to become honest with God. By having that conversation with your personal higher power in a spirit of prayer, you open the door to becoming honest with yourself.

We admitted to…To Ourselves.

Didn’t I just admit to myself the exact nature of my wrongs when I wrote them down in the 4th Step?

Well, no, you wrote down a list of resentments, fears, and the things you did which may have harmed another person, or you wrote your life story. Perhaps more than any other step in the process, step 5 provides the chance to begin “growing up” spiritually. It gives the opportunity to unload the burdens of the past. This is the moment when we make the decision to honestly look at our behaviors. I suggest to my sponsees that they take the time to sit alone and slowly re-read what they have written in Step 4.

Look to see if a pattern of behavior is emerging. Can you pinpoint the areas of your life that you honesty want help with in order to change? I saw many places in my life where I continually repeated the same broken relationship patterns with different people. The things that need to be changed will be revealed. The exact nature of our wrongs will be discovered during this process, along with the ways that they need to be changed. By facing yourself, becoming willing to share with another human being becomes much easier.

We admitted to…To Another Human Being.

At this point in Step 5, we need to choose the right person with whom we will share our 4th Step. Working Step 5 can helps us identify patterns of behavior and character defects that have led to unwanted behaviors. When sharing our 4th step with another person we must be certain that the person we are sharing with will help us along our path. I have done a 5th Step with a sponsor who cried or gasped at every situation I shared. Needless to say, I learned nothing from the experience about my character defects or past behaviors. I also did the 5th Step with a sponsor who continually tried to ‘one up’ me at every turn, I’m sure they were trying to help me to not feel alone in my mess, but again I learned nothing about myself.

Finding the RIGHT person…

When I finally found a mentor with whom I could openly share my 4th Step, they simply and objectively asked me questions and directed me to see my part in different situations. I began to see where my defects of character played a role and I began to understand the true purpose of the 5th Step. I left that meeting with a clear direction for where I had work to do. Feeling empowered instead of depressed, I was excited to get on with the business of living.

When we come across character defects, we write them down; we use this list when we begin working on Steps 6 and 7 when we look to have these defects of character removed. And while you’re writing lists, why not use Step 5 to start listing the people you have harmed through your addiction? You’ll need that in Steps 8 and 9 when you will examine the harm you have done to others and began to repair the damage old behaviors may have caused.

Eliminating Pride and Overcoming Fear 

The purpose of step 5 is not to feel shame in the eyes of your sponsor or whoever listens as you share your 4th Step. Instead, it is a time to get rid of the old garbage and the dark secrets we’ve been holding inside. Quite often, it was these things that kept us drinking or using.

When preparing for step 5, many people describe fear. It is not a comfortable process. Our pride wants us to feel like we’re doing good and moving on from past destructive behavior. Step 4 forces us to look back at all of that and step 5 brings it out into the open, revealing everything.

There’s also the fear that your listener will think less of you. However, you have to keep in mind that they’ve been right there, too. Who knows, they may have done worse things during their drinking and using days, but that doesn’t matter. Remember, in step 5, the focus is on you, what you’ve done, and find the keys to unlock your future happiness.

If you have thoroughly taken your inventory in step 4, then this is just an airing of those problems. Some people—quite a few, in fact—find that they need to step back and do a more thorough inventory and take step 5 again. This is not a step to rush through, parts of it take careful consideration, but we must do it if we want to be free of the past.

Freedom of Step 5 

Many people feel great freedom after doing step 5. It’s a relief to get all that baggage you’ve been lugging around out in the open. This is a chance to clear the air internally, and there’s a great relief when you finally vocalize your life experiences.

Step 5 is also an opportunity to get to the root cause of your addiction. While it’s easy to give it titles like envy, jealousy, anger, or whatever, many people find that it’s really fear. It may be different for you, of course, but the point is that steps 4 and 5 give you insight into who you truly are. Rather than looking at step 5 as a fearful experience, think about how clear your conscience will be once it’s done. Many people call it “freedom” and say they experience peace and calm they haven’t felt in years.

This is only one of the many steps in recovery and it is no steeper than the step before it or the steps that follow. Look at any staircase, the steps are designed so we can comfortably climb from one floor up to the next, with each step evenly spaced. No one has ever died from doing step 5, but many people have died from not doing it. Take the step and get ready for a whole new outlook on life.